goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
