sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
