I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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