Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I love you. Go after that dick
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
