I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
