I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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