Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
