Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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