we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
