Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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