my vag is so smooth its legendary
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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