I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
