i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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