I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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