Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
