turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
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Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
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You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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