I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
