For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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