is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
