She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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