you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
