Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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