You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
