I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
