I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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