Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
