Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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