Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
