1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
