I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Found the puke drawer
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
