Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
