Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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