textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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