my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
