my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
