You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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