Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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