he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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