took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
