Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
