remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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