Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
