Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
