I want to have your abortion
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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