Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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