I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
