dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
