Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
