i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
