Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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