Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
