You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
