we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
