Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
