I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
