Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I need moral support for this bender
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
