Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
