I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
