The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
