he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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