In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I think I just sharted jello shots
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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