On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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