You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize