So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
